Published: 02:44 AM, 27 November 2020 Last Update: 02:49 AM, 27 November 2020
Parenting in 2020 supports better learning in school
As anyone knows who has children right now, it is not an easy job. Your concerns for their wellbeing and future, the social demands of children’s friends, and the internet can be daily battles. We naturally parent the way we were raised. Many times we say we will never do the same things our parents did, and yet we find ourselves talking the same way, in the same tone, and doing the same things! Quality parenting allows children to have clear minds to think in school.
Parenting can be a learning experience, of course, only if we are willing to learn. If we think we are always right and know everything, then there is nothing to learn. Children can be teachers. They question, harass and beg for things, or for our attention. They have a way of bothering us in the worst times and in merciless ways. Why is that? Is it possible they feel our weakness and push to test our emotional strength?
How do teachers get a group of 20 children to stand in line, work quietly, and follow instructions? OK in the past there was fear, kids were hit or humiliated. It does get the job done but many of us remember the scars and hurt from these methods. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child says parents and teachers are not allowed to hit, humiliate, or abuse children. There are other ways. Psychology and social science and the wisdom of our elders have more effective and loving ways of guiding behavior.
Children naturally want to please, earn their respect, and be successful. Children also have empathy and will share. They can also feel jealous and want what their older brother has, want all the treats, all your attention and to be first and win every time too. These behaviors can be reduced once their emotional needs are met. Children even give up their emotional needs for an unbalanced parent. This is not healthy, but unless we have our own selves together, we do not have the personal self-balance to raise a balanced child either.
The first secret is to offer a balance of both love and structure. One without the other does not work. All love and no consequences are not good. Only consequences and no love does not work either. Just saying ‘I love you’ every day is not the same as truly listening to your child’s interests or not caring if they hurt others. Both listening and showing interest in a child with rules, consequences, and consistency are the key.
This is the secret recipe teachers use all the time. Showing interest in the child’s work, point of view, and health (child now respects and wants to please the teacher) but also including small consequences for cutting in line in front of another, not cleaning up a workspace, or disrupting learning, such as making up the time (child knows the teacher cares, is watching and sees the rules are followed through). This consistent, calm, managing reduces stress in children. If they are not sure what will happen, or the adult lets them get away with the rules and then gets angry, they are confused, ashamed, and cannot trust or respect the adult. Children’s behaviors can increase in silliness and annoying behaviors because they are anxious, they cannot figure out what works.
Yes, it is extra work, but so worth it! Establishing rules and consequences takes about 3 weeks. The children will test and try to get back to old habits of course. (It is easier to just get angry or yell.) But after this testing period, it is so easy! Now you will have years of no yelling, stress, worry, and anger. Is anything more important than living with comfortable, happy, and contented children? Once children have this reassurance and comfort at home, they trust their parents know how to manage them and stay calm, children feel emotionally safe. They can now develop as they should and best of all their minds are clear of fears and uncertainties so they can learn to their full potential in school!
Suggestions:
-Listen and ask about children’s work and interests. Smile.
Parenting can be a learning experience, of course, only if we are willing to learn. If we think we are always right and know everything, then there is nothing to learn. Children can be teachers. They question, harass and beg for things, or for our attention. They have a way of bothering us in the worst times and in merciless ways. Why is that? Is it possible they feel our weakness and push to test our emotional strength?
How do teachers get a group of 20 children to stand in line, work quietly, and follow instructions? OK in the past there was fear, kids were hit or humiliated. It does get the job done but many of us remember the scars and hurt from these methods. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child says parents and teachers are not allowed to hit, humiliate, or abuse children. There are other ways. Psychology and social science and the wisdom of our elders have more effective and loving ways of guiding behavior.
Children naturally want to please, earn their respect, and be successful. Children also have empathy and will share. They can also feel jealous and want what their older brother has, want all the treats, all your attention and to be first and win every time too. These behaviors can be reduced once their emotional needs are met. Children even give up their emotional needs for an unbalanced parent. This is not healthy, but unless we have our own selves together, we do not have the personal self-balance to raise a balanced child either.
The first secret is to offer a balance of both love and structure. One without the other does not work. All love and no consequences are not good. Only consequences and no love does not work either. Just saying ‘I love you’ every day is not the same as truly listening to your child’s interests or not caring if they hurt others. Both listening and showing interest in a child with rules, consequences, and consistency are the key.
This is the secret recipe teachers use all the time. Showing interest in the child’s work, point of view, and health (child now respects and wants to please the teacher) but also including small consequences for cutting in line in front of another, not cleaning up a workspace, or disrupting learning, such as making up the time (child knows the teacher cares, is watching and sees the rules are followed through). This consistent, calm, managing reduces stress in children. If they are not sure what will happen, or the adult lets them get away with the rules and then gets angry, they are confused, ashamed, and cannot trust or respect the adult. Children’s behaviors can increase in silliness and annoying behaviors because they are anxious, they cannot figure out what works.
Yes, it is extra work, but so worth it! Establishing rules and consequences takes about 3 weeks. The children will test and try to get back to old habits of course. (It is easier to just get angry or yell.) But after this testing period, it is so easy! Now you will have years of no yelling, stress, worry, and anger. Is anything more important than living with comfortable, happy, and contented children? Once children have this reassurance and comfort at home, they trust their parents know how to manage them and stay calm, children feel emotionally safe. They can now develop as they should and best of all their minds are clear of fears and uncertainties so they can learn to their full potential in school!
Suggestions:
-Listen and ask about children’s work and interests. Smile.
-No need to give advice, just enjoy. For example, sit for 15 minutes and ask to understand their computer game.
-Catch them being good. “I noticed you never gave up!” “Helping your sister.”
-Reward effort more than the final product, “You worked so hard!” instead of, “I am only happy with A+”
-Offer incentives to teens instead of severe punishments. “Come home on time, finish homework, 2 weeks then we will go for dinner.”
-Calm, small, immediate consequences without anger do more correcting than all the yelling and threatening. Be consistent. Don’t change the rules.
-Let the children come up with solutions to problems.
-Let the children come up with solutions to problems.
-For 2 days mark down how many negative vs positive comments you make to your children.
The writer is a Primary Counselor of International School Dhaka
