Published: 11:59 PM, 19 July 2026
The Invisible Cost of Being a Woman in Sylhet
Khadija Jahan Tanni
Exchanging gifts is a universal practice among people of all cultures and societies. It is used to establish relationships and maintain strong bonding. What happens when gift culture gradually transforms into a slow poison that affects individuals, families and societies?
Back to 3000 BC, ancient civilizations such as the Egyptians, Mesopotamians, Hebrews, Aztecs, Incas, Germanic tribes, the Ottoman Empire, China, Thailand, and Indonesia used bride price (bride wealth), where the husband or his family sent payment or assets to the wife’s family at the time of marriage. In contrast, the concept of dowry came with a custom where the bride’s family transfers a valuable gift to the groom’s side. It started from ancient Greek city-states and the Romans in 200 BC. Later, it became common in many parts of Western Europe. Additionally, dowry was extensively documented across the Indian subcontinent, particularly India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh. Where dowry has gradually disappeared in other parts of the world, it still exists systematically under the guise of gifts and hadiya in Bangladesh.
The practice of dowry is not similar in all regions due to social, economic, and cultural conditions. Sylhet, a northwestern region of Bangladesh, is different from other places and practices the custom as mandatory. Among these, females have to maintain many rituals for being a girl, woman, and mother. Families of this region are still dominated by a patriarchal system and women are less empowered to make social and financial decisions. So they often rely on their father, brother, and then husband.
Historically, Sylheti people have migrated around the world, especially to the UK, USA, Canada, Europe, and the Middle East. They have brought their unique style and invested a significant amount of money in muhr, bridal packages, and gifts in wedding ceremonies. Along with that, they often have expectations that the bride's family will provide gifts in return. The gifts include the groom's attire, gold, furniture, kitchen products, other goods for household management, cash and land etc.
Further, these expectations vary seasonally throughout the year. Different seasons have their own traditional names; for instance, Iftari during Ramadan, Aam-Kathli in Joishtho, Khoi-Chira in Bhadro, and Sondesh Pitha in Ogrohayon , as observed in different upazila in Sylhet.
On the first day of Ramadan, the women's family sends iftari as a nasta and a grand iftari feast during the middle of the month. The menu often includes sweets, jilapi, nimki, khaja, amriti, bakarkhani, seasonal fruits, chola, piaju, polao, chops, and many other items. During Joishtho, am-Kathli consists of mangoes, jackfruit, blackberries, pineapples, lychees, other seasonal fruits, and khoi. In Ograhayon, a variety of traditional pithas such as Sandesh, Nunghora, Choi, Chitol, Bhapa, Dhupi, Khudi, Taler Pitha, and Narikel Pob are sent to the son-in-law's family. Depending on the distance, these gifts are transported by pickup trucks, auto-rickshaws, CNGs, or even boats in rural areas.
In consequence of, the gift culture is a luxury for some and a burden for many. It particularly creates unequal expectations and financial burdens for lower- and middle-income families. So every year, thousands of women face social, psychological, and physical violence silently.
But how does the gift mechanism operate in society? Social pressure compels one to present gifts at any cost. It is found in three common scenarios: Komorunnesa, a 45-year-old woman who works as a domestic worker and is the only earning member of her family. Her husband is unable to do hard work due to illness. Due to severe financial hardship, she married one of her daughters to a taxi driver and hoped that it would ease their burden. Unfortunately, the loan taken for marriage remains unpaid, her daughter asked to provide a large amount of money urgently to send her husband to Dubai. They keep pressuring her to bring the money from her parents as a gift. Therefore, Komorun now feels trapped in a cycle of debt, pressure and social Expectations.
Alima Yasmin Akter, a student of a Mohila Madrasha, shared that her husband doesn’t demand these kinds of gifts from them. He publicly discouraged these practices and called the social expectations as 'zulm.' Yet members of her in-laws often cite relatives who maintain these hadiya practices and mock her indirectly for not sending her parents willingly.
Another experience was shared by Abida Sultana, who comes from a financially well-off family and graduated from a reputable university with a CSE degree. She is married into a Khandani family. After a few years of marriage, her parents have to maintain these rituals on a grand scale. They competed with their other relatives and showed it as a family prestige and social status. They are even unwilling to compromise on qualities and quantities. So if the gifts don’t meet their expectations, they openly humiliate her as well as her parents.
In addition, several reports from The Daily Star, Prothom Alo, The Financial Express, New Age, and G Voice show that demand for gifts led to physical abuse, domestic violence, suicide, and even the deaths of women at the hands of their husbands or in-laws.
In contrast, opponents argue that high "muhr" demands from the bride's side contribute to this expectation. Others replied that it’s completely a voluntary expression and meant to strengthen family bonding. No one should be compelled to provide it. If anyone faces any kind of violence, why don’t they protest and take the necessary steps?
The findings suggest that victims don’t protest because of fear of breaking marital relationships, fear of losing social prestige, fear of challenging existing norms, lack of awareness, and education.
Surprisingly, news reports of these violent cases are comparatively low. Does that mean the so-called gift culture doesn’t exist in society? The answer is found in the system, such as many victims remain unheard and untraced, few complaints are filed formally, and gifts or hadiya are often received by the groom and supplied by the bride's family voluntarily.
So, eliminating this silent practice isn’t easy because of its changed form. So careful investigations are needed to address the problem. At the policy level, a grassroots awareness campaign should be taken to raise awareness to rethink the gift culture, its social consequences, and the law associated with it. Moreover, empowering women is the best solution to change these negative tendencies in a positive way. Such efforts may reduce gender discrimination and ensure justice in society.
Khadija Jahan Tanni is a freelancer
and a columnist.
